Caliborn's Stories 9: BioShock
by ASBusinessMagnet
Summary: The BioShock games (1, 2 and Infinite), including the Burial at Sea DLCs, as summarized by the Homestuck character Caliborn. Rated T for language and violence.
1. BIOSHOCK INFINITE

ALRIGHT. LEFT YOU AT A BIT OF A CLIFFHANGER, DIDN'T I. IT'S APPARENTLY BECAUSE. SOMEONE HATES ME SO MUCH. THAT THEY ARE WILLING TO REMOVE MY STORIES FROM THIS SITE. DO NOT FEAR, THOUGH. ALL OF THEM ARE BACKED UP BY NONE OTHER. THAN THE NOBLE CIRCLE OF THE HORRORTERRORS ITSELF. THEREFORE MY PRESENCE ACROSS PARADOX SPACE REMAINS ETERNAL.

AT ANY RATE. CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS.

BIOSHOCK INFINITE.  
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FOR THIS ONE. I WILL NEED TO INTRODUCE YOU TO A VERY PECULIAR PAIR. FOR THE PURPOSES OF THE STORY. THEY WILL BE CALLED. THE MALE BITCH. AND THE BITCH MALE. THEY HAVE A CONVOLUTED BACKSTORY. THAT WILL REQUIRE AN EXPLANATION. OF COURSE, SINCE I HAVE NO TIME TO AGONIZE OVER EVERY DETAIL. THE EXPLANATION WILL HAVE TO BE AS SHORT AS POSSIBLE.

THE EXPLANATION THAT I HAVE CREATED IS AS FOLLOWS.

THE MALE BITCH IS THE BITCH MALE FROM AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE HE WAS BORN A BITCH.

THE BITCH MALE IS THE MALE BITCH FROM AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE WHERE SHE WAS BORN A MALE.

GOT IT? I DIDN'T EITHER.

ANYWAY. SO THE CHARACTER YOU PLAY AS. WHO, FOR SOME REASON, HAS TWO NAMES. THAT OF BOOKER DEWITT. AND ANOTHER WHICH I WILL BE MENTIONING SOON. HAS GOTTEN IN DEBT TO THE MALE BITCH AND THE BITCH MALE. SO HE HAS TO "BRING US THE GIRL. AND WIPE AWAY THE DEBT." SO HE HEADS. TO THE MALE BITCH'S CREATION. WHICH IS A FLOATING CITY. CALLED "COLUMBIA." AND IS BASICALLY A BACKDROP TO THE ENTIRE PLOT.

THERE, THOUGH. THE DEWITT MALE IS IDENTIFIED BY SOME PEOPLE. AS "THE FALSE PROPHET." VIA A MARKING THAT READS "AD." (WHICH I CAN ONLY PRESUME. IS A LINK TO A CHARACTER OF THE HOMOSUCK PAINT ADVENTURE NUMBER THREE. ACE DICK.) AND THEREFORE. EVERYONE WANTS TO KILL HIM. BECAUSE OTHERWISE. THE GAME WOULD BE BORING.

HOWEVER. OUR DEWITT MALE IS MORE THAN EQUIPPED TO FIGHT EVERYONE. BECAUSE IN ADDITION TO BIG-ASS GUNS. HE GETS THESE SUPERPOWERS. THAT ARE CALLED "VIGORS." WHICH ALLOW HIM TO PERFORM AWESOME STUFF. LIKE ALL OF YOUR WEAK SBURB TITLES COMBINED INTO ONE. IT DOESN'T MATTER IN THE LONG RUN, THOUGH. OUR DEWITT MALE KEEPS DYING. AND BEING RETURNED TO HIS OFFICE. WHICH HE HAS TO EXIT. TO RETURN TO THE GAME.

SO ANYWAY. I AM NOT IN HERE FOR THE GAMEPLAY DETAILS. I AM IN HERE FOR THE STORY DETAILS. GAMES ARE ONLY FOR GAINING ENJOYMENT. NOT FRUSTRATION. AS YOU DIE OVER AND OVER. OUR DEWITT MALE FINALLY. WHEN HE JUMPS OUT OF SOME SORT OF ZEPPELIN. FINDS THE GIRL. TRAPPED IN SOME TOWER BY SOME PEDOPHILE. (WHO MAY OR MAY NOT BE A LITERAL CUEBALL.) AND IT TURNS OUT. THAT THE GIRL IS EVEN MORE EQUIPPED FOR FIGHT THAN OUR DEWITT MALE. BECAUSE.

1) SHE CAN OPEN PORTALS. NOT ONLY TO HER OWN UNIVERSE. BUT ALSO TO ALTERNATE UNIVERSES. WHICH ARE CALLED "TEARS." BECAUSE SHE LOST A FINGER. AND THEREFORE. THESE TEARS CAN LEAD. TO USEFUL SUPPLIES. THAT OUR DEWITT MALE CAN STEAL. WITHOUT REALLY STEALING THEM.

2) SHE NEVER. FUCKING. DIES. HOW IT IS EVEN POSSIBLE FOR A GIRL NOT TO DIE. WHEN SHE DOESN'T HAVE ANY SORT OF WEAPON WITH HERSELF. IS MY QUESTION.

3) SHE IS BASICALLY. AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE VERSION OF THAT ONE BITCH. FROM THE HALF-LIFE 2 SERIES? IT'S THE ONLY WAY. IN WHICH THESE THEORIES MAKE ANY SENSE.

ANYWAY. SO OUR DEWITT MALE AND THE GIRL ESCAPE. FROM THE PEDOPHILE TOWER. WHICH ENDED UP BEING DESTROYED. BY SOME GIANT ROBOT BIRD. THAT IS PROBABLY FROM PORTAL 2. SINCE IT HAD BOTH ROBOTS AND BIRDS. BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER. BECAUSE THE GIRL. COUPLED WITH OUR DEWITT MALE. ARE LITERALLY. "LA FORCE INDESTRUCTABLE." TO USE YOUR HUMAN. "FOREIGN LANGUAGE." BUT THEY DON'T. BECAUSE THE GIANT ROBOT BIRD NEARLY KILLS THEM. AND THEY END UP AT A BEACH.

SO THEN. THE DEWITT MALE AND THE GIRL HEAD. TO SOME AIRSHIP. BUT TURNS OUT. THAT THE AIRSHIP YOU NEED TO GET TO THE AIRSHIP. IS NOT POWERED BY ELECTRICITY. BUT RATHER SOMETHING ELSE. CALLED "SHOCK JOCKEY." AND THEREFORE. THE MISSION GOES TO SOMEWHERE ELSE. WHERE THERE IS A PERSON NAMED SLATE. AND A SHOCKING DISCOVERY. THAT OUR GIRL. IS IN FACT THE DAUGHTER. OF THE PRESIDENT OF THE CITY. SOMEONE NAMED COMCAST? WAIT, NO, COMSTOCK. I'M SORRY. (I'M NOT SORRY. THAT WAS A JOKE.)

SO ONCE THEY GET TO THE AWESOME BIG AIRSHIP. OUR BOOKER MALE LED IT TO NEW YORK. BUT OUR GIRL WANTED TO GO TO PARIS. SO SHE K.O.'D HIM. AND WHEN HE REAWAKENED. OUR DEWITT MALE WAS NOW. AT THE SIDE OF SOME BITCH. NAMED DAISY FITZROY. WHO TOLD HIM. TO FIND SOMEONE ELSE. NAMED CHEN LIN. BUT THEN OUR BOOKER MALE FOUND THE GIRL. AND THEY BEGAN WORKING. TOWARDS HER GOAL. OF REACHING PARIS.

SO THEY GOT TO CHEN FUCKING LIN. BUT THEN IT TURNED OUT THAT. CHEN LIN WAS DEAD. BUT THEN THEN. THE BITCH MALE AND THE MALE BITCH REVEALED AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE. WHERE HE WAS NEVER DEAD. BUT THEN. HIS TOOLS WERE STOLEN. SO IT WAS NOW A HEAD. TO THE POLICE STATION. WHERE THE TOOLS WERE STORED.

OF COURSE. THE PROBLEM WAS. THAT EVERYTHING WAS TOO HEAVY. TO BE CARRIED BY HAND. SO THE THING THAT THE GIRL COMES UP WITH. IS GOING TO A THIRD ALTERNATE UNIVERSE. WHERE OUR BOOKER MALE DIED. A HEROIC DEATH. FURTHERMORE CONFIRMING. THAT HE IS INDEED A GOD TIER.

BUT THEN. IT TURNS OUT. THAT THE FITZROY SOMEONE. COULDN'T BEAR HAVING OUR BOOKER MALE ALIVE. SO THEN SUDDENLY. EVERYONE TURNED AGAINST HIM. AND THUS. IT WAS NOW A GAME. TO KILL THE FITZROY SOMEONE. SO THAT SHE WOULDN'T SPOUT BULLSHIT. YEAH. KILL THAT IRRELEVANT SOMEONE.

EXCEPT. THE VOX POPULI. WHICH IS AN ORGANIZATION RUN BY FITZROY. THE WAY CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS IS AN ORGANIZATION RUN BY ME. WANTED HIM DEAD ANYWAY. SO REALLY. WHATEVER THE HELL.

ALSO. THE MALE BITCH AND THE BITCH MALE APPEARED AGAIN. GIVING OUR BOOKER MALE AND THE GIRL. A MUSICAL INSTRUMENT. SAYING THAT THIS WAY. THE GIANT ROBOT BIRD FROM PORTAL 2 COULD BE TAMED. BECAUSE IT HAD GROWN OUT OF CONTROL. AND *NEEDED* TO BE TAMED.

SO ANYWAY. OUR BOOKER MALE AND THE GIRL HEADED WHEREVER. WHEN SUDDENLY. THE GIRL'S MOTHER APPEARED. BOTH DEAD AND ALIVE. LIKE A SCHRODINGER'S FUCKING FINAL BOSS. AND THEN SAID. THAT EVERYONE SPREAD LIES. SO THEN. OUR BOOKER MALE AND THE GIRL SET OUT. TO REACH THE TRUTH.

OF COURSE. THEN THE GIANT ROBOT BIRD INTERVENED. AND ALSO THE GIRL. AND THEN. THEY SENT OUR BOOKER MALE. INTO THE FUTURE. (IT IS NOT A WEEK, THOUGH. IT IS SOMETHING. LIKE SEVENTY-TWO YEARS.) AND THERE HE DISCOVERED. THAT COLUMBIA HAD SET OUT. TO DESTROY NEW YORK CITY. IN A SORT OF BAD FUTURE. AND THEREFORE. OUR BOOKER MALE'S MISSION WAS NOW. TURNING BACK TO THE PAST. AND RESCUING ELIZABETH. I MEAN THE GIRL. WHO THE HELL *IS* ELIZABETH, ANYWAY?

SO ANYWAY. NOW THE EVENTS TOOK PLACE. ON ANOTHER ZEPPELIN. THE "HAND OF THE PROPHET." WHERE COMCAST WAS HOSTED. AND OUR BOOKER MALE. KILLED COMCAST. AND FOUND OUT. THAT THEY CAN CONTROL THE GIANT ROBOT BIRD FROM PORTAL 2. BY PLAYING THE SONG. C-A-G-E. EXCEPT IT'S NOT THAT. IT'S CAGE. REMEMBER OUR HISTORY WITH ACRONYMS. NST. EVA. AND NOW CAGE. IT'S A WORD. NOT AN ACRONYM.

AND THEN. OUR BOOKER MALE AND THE GIRL. FINALLY SET OUT TO DESTROY THE VOX POPULI. SINCE THEY WOULD HAVE DESTROYED EVERYTHING OTHERWISE. BUT EITHER WAY. EVERYTHING WAS DESTROYED. AND OUR BOOKER MALE, THE GIRL AND THE GIANT ROBOT BIRD FROM PORTAL 2. ENDED UP. AT AN UNDERWATER CITY. WHICH DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. I'LL HAVE TO AGREE WITH OUR BOOKER MALE HERE.

AND THEN. THE GIRL BECAME EVEN MORE POWERFUL. AS IF SHE HADN'T BEEN POWERFUL ENOUGH ALREADY. AND SHE BEGAN KNOWING. ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING. INCLUDING THESE SCENES.

1) OUR BOOKER MALE. GIVING HIS INFANT DAUGHTER. TO THE MALE BITCH AND THE BITCH MALE. BECAUSE THE OMNISCIENT *ISN'T* THE GIRL. AND NOW I'LL HAVE TO GO BACK. AND CHANGE EVERYTHING. EXCEPT I WON'T. BECAUSE WHAT I WROTE IN THE PAST. IS IN THE PAST.

2) SOME SORT OF HUMAN RITUAL? WHERE OUR BOOKER MALE. WOULD HAVE GOTTEN RID OF EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED THUS SO FAR. AND BECOME THE COMCAST PRESIDENT. BUT HE REFUSED.

3) THE SAME SCENE. EXCEPT NOW. MANY MORE VERSIONS OF THE GIRL APPEARED. AND DROWNED HIM. BEFORE HE COULD ACCEPT OR REJECT THE RITUAL. AND THUS. ALL THE OMNISCIENTS DISAPPEARED. EXCEPT FOR ONE.

4) AND THE FINAL SCENE. WHERE OUR DEWITT MALE IS IN HIS OFFICE. CALLING FOR HIS DAUGHTER. THAT WASN'T EVEN TAKEN AWAY TO BEGIN WITH.

YEAH. I CAN'T MAKE SENSE OF IT EITHER. I'LL JUST HAVE TO QUIT HERE. SINCE THE STORY QUITS HERE ANYWAY.

THE END.

"LEAVE ME SUGGESTIONS. ON WHAT STORY. I SHOULD BE TAKING ON NEXT. I MEAN. I AM AN EXPERT ON THIS. I WILL HANDLE THIS.

FAREWELL. BITCHES AND ASSHOLES.

tumut"


	2. BURIAL AT SEA

OOOH. WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE? IT'S A REVIEW. BY ONE "INSANE GUY OF DOOM." LET'S SCOPE THIS SHIT OUT IMMEDIATELY, SHALL WE?

"That was hilarious! You should do Burial at Sea next."

I AM NOT HILARIOUS. I AM ONLY STATING THE TRUTH. THAT YOUR HUMAN FICTION IS BASICALLY A PIECE OF SHIT. AND IS NO MATCH FOR OUR CHERUB FICTION. AND THUS. I WILL PROVE IT. WITH YOUR SUGGESTION. WHICH APPEARS TO BE. AN EXTENSION TO THIS SAGA.

CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS.

BIOSHOCK INFINITE. BURIAL AT SEA. EPISODES ONE AND TWO.

YUP. BECAUSE THIS AWFUL STORY WON'T LAST ITS OWN SPAN. IT HAS TO HAVE NOT ONE. BUT TWO EXPANSIONS. EACH OF WHICH COSTS ADDITIONAL MONEY. THAT I WOULDN'T WANT TO GIVE TO THIS NOT-PORTAL NOT-HALF-LIFE NOT-STANLEY PARABLE NOT-KERBAL SPACE PROGRAM GAME COMPANY ANYWAY. THE MATTER OF FACT IS SIMPLY. THAT THE HUMAN HUMOR IS SIMPLY BEYOND ME. I GIVE UP. (I DON'T GIVE UP. I PROMISED THAT I WOULD CARRY ON. IN EARLIER STORIES.)

WELL, OBVIOUSLY, LET'S BEGIN WITH. EPISODE ONE. WHICH BEGINS. IN THE IRRELEVANT UNDERWATER CITY. FROM THE LAST SCENES OF THE PREVIOUS GAME. (I.E. "THE APOCALYPSE." OR SOMETHING.) WHERE OUR DEWITT MALE IS A PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR. AND THE GIRL. WHO, AS IT STANDS NOW, IS *NOT* AN OMNISCIENT. ENLISTS HIS HELP.

THIS THUS DIRECTS OUR BOOKER MALE. TO ANOTHER GIRL NAMED SALLY. IN A BUILDING. IN WHICH SOME AIR TANK WAS SHOT. AND THE BUILDING WAS SEVERED FROM EVERYTHING ELSE. HENCE RESTING AT THE SEA FLOOR. (THUS THE TITLE. "BURIED AT SEA.") AND THEN IT TURNED OUT. THAT THE ONLY MALE WHO KNEW HOW TO GET THERE. WAS A COMPLETE WHACKJOB. BECAUSE HE ATTEMPTED TO BE "AN ARTIST." SORT OF LIKE. WHAT PEOPLE CLAIM THAT I AM. BUT DO NOT MISTAKE ME FOR HIM. I SAID, DO NOT MISTAKE ME FOR HIM.

THE WHACKJOB THUS ELECTROCUTES OUR BOOKER MALE AND THE NOT-OMNISCIENT. AND THEY END UP. AT THE SUPPOSEDLY BURIED PART OF THE CITY. WHERE OUR BOOKER MALE FINDS A NEW WEAPON. WHICH IS SOME SORT OF A HEATER? THAT CAN FRY PEOPLE. WHILE THE NON-OMNISCIENT GIRL BEGINS OPENING THE PORTAL TEARS AGAIN. AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

SO THEN. THE TWO GO TO FIND SALLY. AND THEY DO THAT. BY FREEZING LEAKED WATER. TO GET INTO SOME TOY STORE? WITH MORE OF THE AWFUL POWERS THAT I CAN'T KEEP TRACK OF. WHAT THE HELL. THAT DOESN'T MATTER. THE POINT IS THEY GET TO SALLY. PERIOD. DON'T ASK ME ANY QUESTIONS.

SO THEN. IT TURNS OUT SALLY IS SOMETHING. CALLED A "LITTLE SISTER." AND THUS NEEDS TO DIE. LIKE ANY SORT OF SISTER. AND IT TURNS OUT. THAT SHE IS OUR BOOKER MALE'S. ADOPTED, FAT, UGLY DAUGHTER. SO ANYWAY. THEY THEN HEAT THE PIPES. WHERE SALLY IS HELD. SO SHE WILL EITHER DIE. OR COME OUT. BUT THEN. THEY HAVE TO FIGHT SOMEONE. NAMED A "BIG DADDY." I CAN'T KEEP TRACK OF ALL THE SHITTY PLOT TWISTS. AND THAT IS SAYING SOMETHING. SINCE I AM THE MASTER OF SHITTY PLOT TWISTS.

SO ANYWAY. THEY GO BACK TO THE ONE OF THE FLASHBACKS. OF THE LAST GAME'S ENDING. AND SOMETHING IS DIFFERENT. IN THE ORIGINAL. THE BABY LOST A FINGER WHILE BEING PULLED THROUGH THE PORTAL. AND THIS TIME. SHE LOST HER HEAD. AND THUS IS DEAD. EVEN THOUGH SHE ISN'T. AND TO FORGET. APPARENTLY OUR BOOKER MALE HAD TO GO TO THE APOCALYPSE. AND ALL.

LIKEWISE. THE "BIG DADDY" IS NOT DEAD DESPITE BEING DEAD. AND MOLESTS OUR BOOKER MALE. WHILE CALLIE DIES. SERVES THAT ASSHOLE RIGHT.

(GOD. SALLY. I KEEP THINKING OF CALLIOPE WHEN I MEAN ANY BITCH THAT SHOULD DIE. I'LL KEEP THIS TOGETHER. I PROMISE.)

THUS. EPISODE TWO. BEGINS WITH A DREAM SEQUENCE. WITH THAT UGLY TOWER THING. THAT I ONCE SAW IN THE ORIGINAL GAME. WHERE THE GIRL IS DANCING MERRILY. BUT THEN. THE DREAM TURNS INTO A NIGHTMARE. AND THE GIRL WAKES UP. NEXT TO HER OWN CORPSE. AND THEN OUR BOOKER MALE. WHO IS NO LONGER OURS SINCE WE NOW ARE IN CHARGE OF THE GIRL. BEGINS NEGOTIATING STUFF. HE HAS SALLY. THE GIRL HAS TO GET "THE ACE IN THE HOLE." AND THEN THEY'LL EXCHANGE THEM.

AS IT HAPPENS. THE GIRL REMEMBERS STUFF. TURNS OUT SHE DID BECOME AN OMNISCIENT. BUT PLEADED TO GO TO THIS REALITY. SINCE SHE DIDN'T DESTROY COMCAST IN ITS ENTIRETY. (COMCAST IS OUR BOOKER MALE. REMEMBER THAT.) BUT TURNS OUT. THIS IS HER ORIGINAL REALITY. AND IF SHE GOES THERE. SHE WILL LOSE HER POWERS. BUT GUESS WHAT. SHE DID IT ANYWAY. WHILE THE MALE BITCH AND THE BITCH MALE. WHO HAVE NOW BECOME THEIR OWN BACKDROP. JUST SING THEIR OWN SONG.

AND THEN OUR BOOKER MALE. WHO IS NOT BOOKER, FOR SOME REASON. TELLS HER EVERYTHING'S GOING TO TURN OUT ALRIGHT? I DON'T EVEN.

SO THEN. THE NON-OMNISCIENT OUR GIRL GOES AROUND. AND FINDS THE MALE BITCH AND THE BITCH MALE'S DEVICE. WITH SOMEONE NAMED SUCHONG. WHO IS NOT REALLY INSIDE. BUT WHO HAS CONTROL OF THE LAB. AND TRAPS HER INSIDE.

HE WILL LET HER OUT. ONLY IF SHE REPAIRS THE QUANTUM DEVICE. AND SHE HAS TO AGREE. SO SHE BEGINS. BY GOING BACK TO THE FLYING CITY OF COLOMBIA. (I HAVE DETERMINED. THAT THIS IS THE CORRECT FORM OF THE WORD. DON'T ARGUE WITH ME.) WHERE SHE FINDS SOME LAB NAMED "FINKTON." WHICH I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO MENTION FROM THE ORIGINAL GAME. AND IT TURNS OUT. THAT FINK IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THE POWERS. THOSE, UH. VIGOR/PLASMID THINGS. I SIMPLY CAN'T KEEP IT STRAIGHT ANYMORE.

SO THEN. OUR GIRL WALKS THROUGH MORE OF THE PLOT THAT I CAN'T UNDERSTAND. AND THAT PROBABLY HAS LITTLE RELEVANCE ANYWAY. AND GOES THROUGH THE FINKTON LAB. WHERE SHE FINDS A HEAD. OF THE GIANT ROBOT BIRD FROM PORTAL 2. TURNS OUT. DUE TO SOME INCIDENT IN THE PAST. THE GIANT ROBOT BIRD CAME TO WANT TO PROTECT THE GIRL. FOR REASONS UNKNOWN.

THEN. THE GIRL ESCAPES AND TAKES A QUANTUM PARTICLE. AND THUS GOES BACK TO THE APOCALYPSE. WHERE SHE FINDS SOMEONE NAMED BOTH ATLAS AND FONTAINE. AND TO THAT I REACT. WHO THE FUCK IS ATLAS AND WHO THE FUCK IS FONTAINE. SO.

SHE USES THE QUANTUM PARTICLE. TO GET THE BURIED PART TO BE NON-BURIED. SO THAT IT CAN BE INVADED. BUT THEN SHE IS HIT OVER AND FALLS.

WHEN SHE WAKES UP. HER BRAIN IS ABOUT TO BE MOLESTED. IN SOME WAY THAT I CAN'T QUITE UNDERSTAND. WOW, THIS REVIEW IS TURNING OUT REALLY BAD. I WILL HAVE TO GIVE UP ASKING FOR SUGGESTIONS. IN FAVOR OF COVERING WHATEVER THE HELL I WANT.

BUT THEN. TURNS OUT THE GIRL ACTUALLY WANTS IT. SO THEY DECIDE TO MOLEST SALLY INSTEAD. BUT THEN ENDS UP NOT MOLESTING HER. SINCE OUR GIRL SAID SOME IMPORTANT STUFF. BUT THEN. SHE PASSES OUT AGAIN.

WHEN SHE WAKES UP. A WAR HAS STARTED. SO THE GIRL HAS TO GET ACE. AND NOW FINALLY THE EXCHANGE COULD HAPPEN. AND THEN. THE GIRL COMMUNES WITH THE "LITTLE SISTERS" AND THE "BIG DADDY." TO CONFRONT THE SUCHONG SOMEONE. AND THEN HE DIES.

THOUGH. SHE CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHO ACE IS. AND NEVER WILL. SO NOT-OUR NOT-BOOKER MALE HELPS HER OUT. AND THEN SHE GOES TO ATLAS/FONTAINE. WHO KNOCKS HER OUT ONCE AGAIN. AND THIS TIME SHE FINALLY DIES. BUT THEN. SHE REMEMBERS SOMETHING. RELATED TO THE GAMES BIOSHOCK ONE AND TWO? I CAN'T EVEN.

ANYWAY. SINCE ELIZABETH DIES, EPISODE TWO ENDS. THERE WE GO.

THE END.

ALRIGHT. SHOULD I COVER BIOSHOCK ONE AND TWO? SINCE IT TURNS OUT THEY'RE RELEVANT. BUT IF I GO THROUGH ANY MORE OF THIS HORSESHIT. I WILL PROBABLY PUKE.

ANSWER SOON. ANYONE. PREFERABLY THE GUY OF DOOM.

tumut


	3. BIOSHOCK ONE AND TWO

YOU JUST CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF ME, CAN YOU. SPEAKING TO YOU, "ME AND MY REFLECTION." ARE YOU OFFERING TO COMMEND ME? BECAUSE I DON'T NEED COMMENDATIONS. I AM ALREADY. THE BEST LITERARY CRITIC EVER. AND SOON ENOUGH. I WILL BE ABLE TO TACKLE UNFINISHED BUSINESS. BUT BEFORE THEN.

CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS.

BIOSHOCK ONE AND TWO.

ALRIGHT. AS PREVIOUS. LET'S BEGIN WITH THE ONE THAT HAS "ONE" IN ITS NAME. EVEN THOUGH IT DOESN'T. AND IS SIMPLY. BIOSHOCK. BUT NEVERTHELESS. IT IS. THE FIRST ONE. I WON'T EVER, EVER LET YOU FORGET THAT. WITH THIS NOTE. LET'S BEGIN.

THIS TIME WE HAVE. SOMEONE NAMED JACK. WHO ENDS UP SURVIVING AN AIRPLANE CRASH. AND MAKING IT ONTO A LIGHTHOUSE. (HEY, BIOSHOCK INFINITY BEGAN ON A LIGHTHOUSE. THAT IS NO FAIR. STEALING YOUR THEMES.) WHERE HE FINDS SOME SORT OF UNDERWATER TRANSPORTATION DEVICE. AND THUS GOES ONTO. THAT'S RIGHT. THE APOCALYPSE THE UNDERWATER CITY. NICE LEAD UP THERE. THANKS, THE BURYING AT SEA THING.

THERE. HE IS ASSISTED INTO THE ENTRANCE. BY THE ATLAS FONTAINE THING. AND IS FOUND. BY THE LEADER. ANDREW RYAN. (PRESUMABLY A MASHUP. OF THE AUTHOR OF HOMOSUCK. ANDREW HUSSIE. AND HIS BFFSY FOR FUCKING EVERS. RYAN NORTH.) WHO BEGINS LAUNCHING ENEMIES AGAINST HIM. THE LITTLE SISTERS? WHAT AM I EVEN LOOKING AT BEING PLAYED. AND THIS WAS *BEFORE* BURYING AT SEA. WOW.

SO JACK IS SUPPOSED TO KILL THE SISTERS. BUT HE CAN ALSO SAVE THEM. DUDE. IF I WAS JACK. I WOULD SO OBVIOUSLY KILL THE SISTERS. HEY, THEY WOULDN'T BE THE FIRST SISTERS THAT I KILLED. (REST IN PIECES, CALLIOPE.)

SO. JACK CATCHES UP WITH ANDREW-RYAN. AND TURNS OUT. THAT JACK IS ANDREW'S ILLEGITIMATE SON. PLUS A FUCKING GENETICALLY ENGINEERED HUMAN. AND THEN REVEALS HIS ENTIRE BACKSTORY. SO JACK ACTUALLY CRASHED THE AIRPLANE HIMSELF? (NO. NO. DON'T MAKE ME DO CON AIR. AND BESIDES. ALL FUTURE CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS OUTPUTS ARE ALREADY SCHEDULED.)

SO ANYWAY. JACK KILLS ANDREW. BUT THEN. ATLAS FONTAINE REVEALS HIS IDENTITY. AGAIN. IF YOU DIDN'T PLAY BURYING AT SEA. AND JACK ENDS UP BEING HIT. AND WHEN HE AWAKENS. THAT GUY REALIZES THAT HE IS LOSING CONTROL OF JACK. (APPARENTLY. HE CAN DO ANYTHING. ON "WOULD YOU KINDLY.") AND THEN. BECOMES A FUCKING UNIVERSE DESTRUCTOR. BUT THEN. HE IS KILLED BY JACK. AND THEN. SOMETHING HAPPENS DIFFERENTLY? DEPENDING ON THE LITTLE SISTERS' FATE. I DON'T EVEN.

ALRIGHT. EIGHT YEARS LATER. BIOSHOCK 2 HAPPENS. NOW THE APOCALYPSE IS IN CHARGE BY SOFIA LAMB. WHO HAS A DIFFERENT PHILOSOPHY. AND YOU ARE A DIFFERENT PERSON. SUBJECT DELTA. ERGO. EVERYTHING IS DIFFERENT. AND NOTHING IS THE SAME.

BASICALLY. SUBJECT DELTA IS ONE OF THE "BIG DADDIES." WHO DIED. BUT THEN ENDED UP BEING NOT DEAD. PEOPLE HERE DO THAT A LOT, APPARENTLY. AND HE WAS REVIVED. BY ONE OF THE "LITTLE SISTERS". WHO HAD BECOME A "BIG SISTER." NAMED ELEANOR LAMB. AND THEREFORE. THEY ARE TIED BY THE POWER OF HUMAN LOVE. AND THUS. DELTA NEEDS TO FIND ELEANOR. BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE. THUS. DELTA BEGINS MOVING ON.

THEN IT TURNS OUT. THAT SOFIA HAS EVIL PLANS. TO TURN ELEANOR. TO THE ULTIMATE GOOD BEING. AND DELTA ARRIVES AT THE SCENE. BUT THEN. THE BOND BETWEEN THEM IS BROKEN. AND DELTA IS ABOUT TO DIE. WHEN ELEANOR GRANTS HIM ANOTHER SPECIAL POWER. AND THUS. THE TWO CONTINUE KILLING AROUND LIKE A MERRY BAND. MUCH LIKE NOT-OUR BOOKER MALE AND HIS WHATEVER. THE DETAILS ELUDE ME. AND IT'S FOR THE BEST THAT THEY ELUDE ME. NOTHING HERE IS RELEVANT. GO AWAY.

ANYWAY. THERE IS A SHOWDOWN. A FINAL BATTLE BETWEEN SOME PEOPLE. AND IN THE HEAT OF THAT BATTLE. DELTA IS ABOUT TO DIE. AND THE WHOLE BUILDING WHERE THEY WERE IN IS ABOUT TO COLLAPSE. AND ELEANOR AND DELTA ESCAPE. AT THE LAST MINUTE. AND THERE IS ANOTHER BRANCHING ENDING? THAT'S IT. NO MORE ENDINGS. WE LEARNED THAT MISTAKE FROM THE STANLEY PARABLE. THERE'S JUST THE ANTICLIMACTIC NON-ENDING. OF THESE WORDS.

THE END.

NEXT UP. FIVE NIGHTS AT FREDDY'S. DON'T QUESTION ME. AND DON'T SUGGEST ANYTHING ELSE.

FAREWELL. BITCHES AND ASSHOLES.

tumut


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